Ode to the darkness of the soul

I once spawned in a super rainy forest with a walking stick, fully decked in a black light hooded rainjacket, hiking boots and pants, just walking forwards out of nowhere. I remember checking my clothes trying to work out what led to them being on me and how i got there, since they were probably mine and i chose them for coming here. It was a rocky drenched forest with lots of green bushes and fallen soggy trees. I walked on this slight running tiny river and there was some archlike rock formation covered in vegetation.
I snapped back to my bed, completely dry.

I'm back. That is, the drunk me is back. Deadened in the flesh, the soul surges. The core is felt. The channel and the river. They all flow. At the foot of German mountains, at the back of an apartment house, there is a nocturnal breeze blowing. It speaks volumes and honors the hidden lands. The hidden lands! Fucking understand that for once! Go there to know it! The boundary, the valley, the winds, the blue in the sky turning black, the starkness of primal nature, the cry!
My purpose in life is to be in the dark. That's it. I am the dreamer. The shutin. The sleepy neet standing unwoken at the boundary. I must not go against this flow. You were right, previous me, it's so hard to explain. The Black current. Unless i am nonsober i cannot get it. It makes no sense to a sober mind. Injected full of music, i am having an episode. Again. God-graciously. I am the facette that speaks. Of the dark, and the wild, and the places in-between. They are real! The countryside! The boundaries! Get to it. See it. Flow it. Sense it. Feel it. Touch it. Fold the space. Experience and live. Set it to go. Arrive.

I wanna feel I wanna feel I wanna feel I wanna feel I wanna feel I wanna feel I wanna feel like i feel when i'm ASLEEP. SLEEP!

Sometimes, i miss my depression. Those void-black years, the dark nights of the soul. I never really climed out of them, nor do i want to. I love the dark, i stick to the dark. And it sticks to me ~
My purpose in life is to be a neet. The end. Or to be a shut-in, at least.

I might have always liked the darkness. The introversion of it... I used to take hours-long showers in complete darkness. When done actually showering, i would go sit on that waterproof chair in a corner of the shower room... i'd turn the water to full heat and let it flow... let the steam build up. After some time i would go shut it off. I would not see my hands in front of my face. I'd shut off the water... and sit in that corner for another hour or so. In the hot darkness. And i would breathe. I would walk out, when finally done, to a tiny room fully heated, as i had cranked the decadent electric heater to full... after drying off, i'd go lay down in the artificial slab of a bed. And sleep...


Now, for some homework. There are several spots down here that i need you to case. I'll attach the coordinates.

48.659023, 10.282355
48.280638, 6.960237
46.003442, 8.745675
47.68115, 13.09220
48.111190, 17.114940
49.65543, 18.86125
51.875458, 6.254079


...
I need the Zen, the unattached unattainability, transcendentally effortless. I don't feel very good right now... it's such a confusing storm in my life. Is it shameful to say i'm overwhelmed? I don't even know what i want anymore. I can't spell it. I just want to make sense... and not waste so many years of my life in stasis, doing nothing. Perhaps i'm just a little bit tired? This isn't the environment for me, there was supposed to be better...

I need someone incredibly wise in my life. A serene, beautiful, loving ascended master. Ineffable and fresh, cheerfully powerful and stoic.
I want to heal...
About how i want to retreat and live in world dreams, and own my own darkness, by dominion. By my volition i belong there. It doesn't have to be uncomfortable. It doesn't have to be coerced. NAEQ "I am tired": x. "And i want to go".


Hermeticism feels like the postmodernist version of Neoplatonism. I hate postmodernism.

Neoplatonism

Classical tall white stone pillars, combined with cleanliness, freshness, large stone water pools. Diffuse light world, light academia, deliberate.

These are akin to oniric or astral worlds. The diffuse light in this case is just to say that this world is permeated by light, which can sometimes obfuscate some areas. Think of it like a divine fog if you will.
The water pools are actually swimming pools. It seems this world values hygiene very much. The termperature is always comfortably and exhaltingly springlike.
It feels exhalting, certainly.
And yes! there is a lot of green. and little closed gardens hidden here and there, as architecture sometimes blends in chaotic harmony.
There are not a lot of people in this world, but were you to meet them, you would find them wearing white togas.
It's free, and no organization is apparent.

It's very peaceful. It's quite quiet, and sometimes you can feel the breeze. serene and tranquil.
The world feels introverted. It is individualistic. The water is clean. Generally, in this world one can stumble upon anything in it.

It never feels threatening. There is absolutely no urgency. It seems eternal, like time does not affect it. It smells like various types of stone and earth, the type if water is near, as well as the greenery. Sometimes flowers. It doesn't look like there are any animals. Only ever birds, i guess, and rarely. The sounds are placid and often passive. The breeze will however be audible, and affects the water and trees. This world has a general center though, and it is as i had first described.

The pool edges are always full straight.
Olympic.