The black river current rushes deep within us

I Wish there was such a thing for me as a Demon I would not be a fool for trusting. I just wish, but when it comes to these sorts of things and especially things the basic human cannot claim to fully comprehend, and which, on top of that, requires actual involvment the kind which is inherently tainting, then... trust becomes an infinitesimally available picture.
yes I feel an inner call, the kind which tells you magic' seems like a true path to you, am I still a fool? Or just an artist? What is my medium but my life, and am I not doing the craft even just by this small manner? Why is it still shrouded? The blinds annoy me. And I'm wrapped in them, and just striving.
My conundrum: I am drawn to this, but I can't form pacts of any sort because that's burning neutrality, and I can't take earth works seriously. What's my style? I don't even know! Ceremonial is jewish or irrelevant, often tained by "either" side, and I want the powerful raw real deal, to be mentored from beyond, maybe I'm just lonely. And I've had phenomenons and encounters, and I was mostly annoyed by them. So what is this ideal that I am chasing? Is it just an æsthetic? I can hear the voice but cannot ascertain where it comes from.
I am neutral. I do not negociate that. I don't trust. What if there is some mechanism that slaves me sneakily? I don't know so I don't trust. And it seems the only way to know is to trust. Fuck that.
I want to replace fear with knowledge and this applies to virtually everything I can think of, but it's just... you can't trust this, you know?

But I wish I could. That I could breathe this night in truly. And master myself, be a living beast under moonlight. There is an indescribable feel to this. Roam under a full moon. Fresh summer breeze and hidden I see. Fuck, a part of my soul is missing.

Still it seems to me like worship is essentially a spiritual form of cuckoldry.
I don't have the means to understand it in any other way. How am I supposed to understand? Maybe committing alters underlying parameters and processes that would plant a flag on top of your being. It just seems weird to me. But fuck it, I don't have the self-discipline to do the work myself. Entity seemed like a powerful and fitting copout.
I hope that, one day, I meet the one worthy of being a zealot for. 2nd it may just be a cause or an ideal. And even as I write it I lost belief in this. Because as a standard I do not like others.
Many voices are dialing in trying to win this one auction... Hands like... from the left there's some sigil just gliding by slyly... from the right I hear a stoïc tone in a German accent speaking of a world that could be, in such dutifully mild Weltschmerz... Maybe you can hear it within Haus Abendrot...

I find this world disgusting, it's drowsy, intricate and worthless... there's nothing serious left to fight for in this world... such loss, such loss...

I haven't been posting enough about dream worlds lately. There were other things to understand first, but now I aim to get back to it. Also there was an occurence of a false symmetry lapse. Should be fine now but don't look at the numbers for this cycle too much until the engine picks up again.